The Nonfiction Corner - Miscellaneous Humor

Temperature Translations

60 degrees	Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees	Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees	Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees	You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees	Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees	Water freezes.
30 degrees	You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees	Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees	Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees	French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees	You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees	American cars don't start.
0 degrees	Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees	German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees	You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees	Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless (not true). Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees	Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees	You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 degrees	Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees	Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees	Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees	Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees	Hell freezes over.

And, because all things are relative, a few Australian additions:

110 degrees	Inland Australians complain about the heat
100 degrees	Coastal Australians complain about the heat
90 degrees	Aussies are OK if it isn't too humid.
80 degrees	Perfect for all Australians except those from the far north.
70 degrees	Perfect winter weather!
60 degrees	Northern Aussies are complaining about the cold
50 degrees	All Aussies are complaining about the cold

You Might be Pagan If...

When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.

You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying.

When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"

You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.

You have an entire spice cabinet... and you don't cook.

You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.

You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.

You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon. [Guilty as charged... laughing emoticon ]

You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.

The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice... altar... you have there."

On Halloween, you yell, "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.

You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.

You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.

You commit blasphemy in the plural. [Again--guilty as charged... laughing emoticon ]

Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."

When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

Gaia is NOT the lady on "Captain Planet."

You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.

In Religion 100, you're disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.

You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.

You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.

You talk to trees. They talk back.

You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.

Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

You've seen The Craft. You know where they were making stuff up in The Craft. You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did in The Craft. You know it's a load of crap.

You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.

You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."

You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name.

You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats.

The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other misc. ritual items.

Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!"

Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."

You're reading this list and you understand what it's talking about.

Things to do while driving:

Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

Laugh. Laugh a lot. Glance at neighboring cars, and laugh even more.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

Hang twenty or more car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror and drive with a gas mask on.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Stop and pray for roadkill (erecting a little cross at the side of the road).

Stop and cook roadkill.

Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, then run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" [ ]
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc.). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay--be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, "F*ck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts. (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
Show up completely drunk. ("Completely drunk" means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera!" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, "You really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious, like history notes for a calculus exam--otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for reference as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90-degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "It helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase, "Told you so."
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena-goddess-of-FIRE@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. (Races work well too.)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." []
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." []
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive thru order is "to go."
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.